Category: Rio Rancho

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K’Lynn’s Cuisine – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

Before permanent signage was mounted, a tethered banner in front of K’Lynn’s Southern & Cajun Fusion in Rio Rancho listed a few of the delicious treasures available in the tiny restaurant: “catfish, BBQ, gumbo, po boys, jerk chicken, carne adovada fries & more!” Yeah, we did a double-take, too. One of those items just seemed a bit out-of-place? If you’re thinking “carne adovada fries” don’t belong on the list because they’re not Soul food, you’d be wrong. Carne adovada fries definitely belong on the list. So does jerk chicken which, by most conventional definitions, isn’t soul food either. The one item we thought to be out-of-place was “& more.” I mean what more could you possibly want listed on the…

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Cafe Bella – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. It maketh me to wake in green pastures: It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz: It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal: For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks: Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: And I will dwell in the House of Mochas forever. ~Author Unknown Among the many unflattering…

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Pho Garden – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

It should have been a point-counterpoint debate for the ages. My ideologically opposed and perpetually squabbling friends Carlos and Hien were arguing about the concept of American exceptionalism. Carlos took the Reaganesque position that America is the shining city on a hill. “Everything about America is great,” he proclaimed. “We have the highest standard of living and pretty much the best of everything.” Hien mirrored Obama’s stance that America does not have exclusivity in believing itself to be exceptional. Much like the chasm that divides Congress, neither disputant would concede a modicum of merit in the other’s argument. When it seemed as if this argument would end in another stalemate, Hien pulled out his trump (no, not another reference to…

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The Point Grill – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

“Get to the point!” Archie Bunker, the irascible curmudgeon on the 70’s sitcom All in the Family frequently chided his doting wife Edith with the epithet “Get to the Point, Edith!” One of the series occasional and most memorable bits depicted Archie’s pantomime suicides, carried out while Edith rambled on and on in her nasal high-pitched voice, wholly oblivious to his dramatic gestures. In one episode Archie did himself in by tying a noose and hanging himself as Edith prattled on incessantly. Archie also play-acted suicide by Russian roulette, overdosing on pills and slashing his wrist. His facial expressions at the moment of death were priceless, often portraying him with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Some visitors to…

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Stack House BBQ – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

One of my Psychology professors cautioned students about the danger of “amateur diagnosis,” the practice of assigning specific psychoses and neuroses to people we meet solely on the basis of our cursory familiarity with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. He explained that it often takes an experienced practicing psychiatrist several sessions to arrive at a diagnosis and many more sessions before treatment proves effective. His point–a little knowledge can be dangerous–applies in virtually every arena of knowledge in practicum. Reflecting back on all the times my rudimentary conclusions were ultimately proven incorrect, it’s a point well driven. When my friends Larry “the professor with the perspicacious palate” McGoldrick, Dazzling Deanell and Beauteous Barb decided to pursue Kansas…

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Nori Ramen & Sushi Bar – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

From our home in northeast Rio Rancho, it’s about thirteen miles to the Nori Ramen & Sushi Bar on Southern Boulevard. It would have been safer to run with the bulls at Pampalona than it was driving the half hour it took me to get to Nori. In those thirty minutes, an impatient tailgater blasted her horn at me for having the audacity to come to a complete stop at a stop sign in our subdivision. As she roared passed me on a 25 miles-per-hour street, she contemptuously extended her middle finger out the window (in the same way drivers espying the Dallas Cowboys plate on my car acknowledge the Cowboys are number one). Once on Highway 528, I witnessed…

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El Maguey – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

On a 2010 episode of The Travel Channel’s No Reservations series, host Anthony Bourdain described pulque as “the sap of the maguey cactus” as well as “man juice” and “Mexican Viagra.” That may explain why so many aspiring middle-aged brewers across the fruited plain rushed to their local nurseries in search of the maguey plant. Although maguey may be plentiful even in the Land of Enchantment, extracting pulque is a laborious process involving four distinct steps, the first of which is called castration. The name of this step may also explain why so many middle-aged men quickly lost their enthusiasm for cultivating maguey. In parts of Mexico where the maguey is harvested, native Zapotec, Mixtec and Mixe producers actually ask…

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Tao Chinese Bistro – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

It’s highly unlikely ancient Chinese philosophers ever intended the concept of Tao to be used as an approach for the serial seduction of women, but that was the premise of the 2000 movie The Tao of Steve. Filmed in the Santa Fe area, this campy romantic comedy centered around a corpulent, underachieving former philosophy student who christened his approach after the somewhat stolid “cool” epitomized by three Steves: Steve McQueen, Steve McGarrett from Hawaii Five-O and Steve Austin from The Six Million Dollar Man. The Tao of Steve–which proves a very successful approach for sexual conquests–is comprised of three rules: ((1) Be desire-less. If your body language indicates a lack of interest, a woman’s attraction to you will increase. (2)…

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Toro Burger – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

While watching a “sanitized for television” version of the audacious satirical comedy Blazing Saddles, my precocious six-year-old niece asked several questions with deep sociological implications: “Why is everyone in the town of Rock Ridge named Johnson? Why were all the town’s citizens white?” From her silence, you’d think my Kim was a “perp lawyering up” at a police inquiry. Rather than responding herself, she enjoyed seeing my brother and I hem and haw in trying to give accurate and age-appropriate answers. Far easier to answer were Blazing Saddles questions which inspired nostalgic reflection: “Is there a Howard Johnson’s Ice Cream Parlor in Albuquerque? Does Howard Johnson’s really serve only one flavor?” For those of us who grew up in the…

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Mariscos Mazatlan – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

A rotund, ripening, red tomato is featured prominently on license plates issued in the Mexican state of Sinaloa. This is indicative of the state’s prominence in growing the “love apples” from which its rich salsas are made. In 2013, Sinaloa exported nearly one-billion tons of vegetables–primarily tomatoes–across the fruited plain, netting (mostly industrial) farmers nearly one-billion dollars. More than half the tomatoes consumed across the United States during the winter season are, in fact, grown in Sinaloa. While Sinaloan tomatoes are indeed sweet, juicy, meaty and delicious, an argument could easily be made that a more worthy subject for the state’s license plates would be mariscos, the bounty of the sea extricated from the azure waters of the Bay of…

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Fat Squirrel Pub & Grill – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

The quaint names given to English pubs are sometimes nearly as interesting as the reasons for which those names were bestowed. Take for example what is arguably England’s oldest pub, the Trip to Jerusalem. Built into the rock face under Nottingham Castle, the brewhouse has been offering sustenance and sanctuary to weary sojourners since before 1189. The genesis of its name comes from the fact that the inn served as a travel lodge in which crusaders relaxed–no doubt with a pint or eight–before heading off to battle the Saracens in the Holy Land. Thee Fat Squirrel Pub & Grill in Rio Rancho, which launched in 2008, explains the genesis of its name this way: “The name Fat Squirrel comes from…