Category: Rio Rancho

AlbuquerqueBernalilloNew MexicoPaletasRating: ExcellentRio Rancho

The Paleta Bar – Bernalillo, New Mexico

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

A few decades ago, Mad Magazine (or was it Cracked) published a two-panel cartoon depicting a couple of gringo turistas visiting Mexico on a stifling summer day.  On the first panel, one turista tells the other that he heard Mexican Coke is much stronger than Coke bottled across the border in the states.  When the second turista opens the bottle, a fizzy carbonated explosion knocks down a bird flying overhead…proving, of course, that Mexican Coke is definitely stronger (not to mention better tasting). Even a camel would get thirsty in Mexico on a sweltering July day when temperatures flirt with the century mark and there are no cacti in sight to provide shade.  No matter how thirsty that infernal dry heat may leave you, don’t ever try to down an entire Mexican Coke in one swig.  My sole attempt at doing so left me convulsing and writhing like a wounded beast, thrashing out and roaring in pain.  After that, I swore off Mexican “soft” drinks–and since everyone knows that you don’t drink the water in Mexico, I had to find a delicious alternative to slake my thirst and ward off heat in Mexico.  Fortunately, Mexico is the birthplace of paletas,…

New MexicanNew MexicoRating: N/R (Not Rated)Rio Rancho

Burrito Express – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno8:32 PM

In an article entitled “Ode to the Handheld” in the April, 2020 edition of New Mexico Magazine, writer Alicia Inez Guzman noted that when her dad was growing up in the sixties, “the idea of plating a burrito for a sit-down meal was unheard of, laughable even.  That’s because the humble tortilla-as-envelope filled with protein and starch was tailor-made for eating in the fields and long the companion of the farm worker.” Google “burrito” and the results returned will almost invariably ascribe the same adjective used by Alicia Inez Guzman to describe the burrito–humble.  That’s fitting considering burrito translates from Spanish to “little donkey,” also a companion of the farm worker and perhaps the most humble and hard-working of all pack animals.  Etymologists believe the burrito is so named not because tortillas were ever stuffed with donkey meat or because a well-constructed burrito resembles a donkey, but because a rolled, tightly packed burrito looks like a bedroll or the packs on either side of a burrito’s haunches. Catch my friend Carlos on a day in which he’s waxing philosophical and you’ll get an earful about how a savvy dining public staved off the cultural appropriation of the humble burrito by…

BarbecueBurgersClosed in 2021Gone But Not ForgottenNew MexicoRio Rancho

Triple B’s Bar-B-Que Burgers & Burritos – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno8:47 PM

Archaeologists in Spain claim to have unearthed the original man cave. What is most remarkable about this finding is how very similar Neanderthal man and contemporary man are. Men, it could be said, have not evolved much. Neanderthals were hairy and brutish in appearance, very much like the New York Giants and Philadelphia Eagles. They spoke in guttural grunts, similar to today’s politicians. Neanderthals scrawled their art on cave walls; contemporary man expresses himself artistically on bridges, underpasses and walls. Neanderthal man used tools: hammers, clubs and axes; contemporary man uses tools: television remote controls, joy sticks and iPhones. Cultural anthropologists (and Barbara Streisand) have long posited that throughout evolutionary history, man has had an inherent need for belonging to a social group. We are driven to form and maintain at least a few lasting, positive and significant interpersonal relationships. For many men, the two most powerful bonding agents are sports and what we like to call “barbecue” even though what we’re doing is “grilling.” We derive a sense of belonging through our affiliation with the sports teams we like–to the extent that we wear team apparel which encases us like engorged sausages. We like to get together to cheer…

AmericanBar & GrillBrunchClosed in 2018Gone But Not ForgottenNew MexicoRio Rancho

The Point Grill – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno11:18 AM

“Get to the point!” Archie Bunker, the irascible curmudgeon on the 70’s sitcom All in the Family frequently chided his doting wife Edith with the epithet “Get to the Point, Edith!” One of the series occasional and most memorable bits depicted Archie’s pantomime suicides, carried out while Edith rambled on and on in her nasal high-pitched voice, wholly oblivious to his dramatic gestures. In one episode Archie did himself in by tying a noose and hanging himself as Edith prattled on incessantly. Archie also play-acted suicide by Russian roulette, overdosing on pills and slashing his wrist. His facial expressions at the moment of death were priceless, often portraying him with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Some visitors to Gil’s Thrilling (And Filling) Blog have echoed Archie’s sentiment. “Get to the point, Gil” they’ve expressed. They tell me they don’t want to wade through details or read the clever (okay, that’s debatable) introductions that preface my restaurant reviews. Others, such as my friend Ryan “Break the Chain” Scott actually look forward to my roundabout way of introducing a restaurant, my efforts at being a racounteur. For them as well as those who would rather I employ a more formulaic…

BarbecueClosed in 2019Gone But Not ForgottenNew MexicoRio Rancho

Stack House BBQ – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:56 PM

One of my Psychology professors cautioned students about the danger of “amateur diagnosis,” the practice of assigning specific psychoses and neuroses to people we meet solely on the basis of our cursory familiarity with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. He explained that it often takes an experienced practicing psychiatrist several sessions to arrive at a diagnosis and many more sessions before treatment proves effective. His point–a little knowledge can be dangerous–applies in virtually every arena of knowledge in practicum. Reflecting back on all the times my rudimentary conclusions were ultimately proven incorrect, it’s a point well driven. When my friends Larry “the professor with the perspicacious palate” McGoldrick, Dazzling Deanell and Beauteous Barb decided to pursue Kansas City Barbecue Society (KCBS) certification, the words of my Psychology professor resonated in my memory. Sure, we’d all been eating barbecue most of our lives, but how much did we really know about passing judgement on barbecue? Not much, it turned out. Over the course of several hours, our KCBS instructor imparted sage knowledge and proven techniques to help us understand thee three most important and very nuanced elements of competitive judging: taste, texture and appearance. Much like getting a…

JapaneseNew MexicoRamenRating: N/R (Not Rated)Rio RanchoSushi

Nori Ramen & Sushi Bar – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno10:29 PM

From our home in northeast Rio Rancho, it’s about thirteen miles to the Nori Ramen & Sushi Bar on Southern Boulevard. It would have been safer to run with the bulls at Pampalona than it was driving the half hour it took me to get to Nori. In those thirty minutes, an impatient tailgater blasted her horn at me for having the audacity to come to a complete stop at a stop sign in our subdivision. As she roared passed me on a 25 miles-per-hour street, she contemptuously extended her middle finger out the window (in the same way drivers espying the Dallas Cowboys plate on my car acknowledge the Cowboys are number one). Once on Highway 528, I witnessed drivers running red lights, exceeding the speed limit by at least warp five, turning from the wrong lane and not using turn signals (even though the season of lights is approaching). “Phew,” I thought “at least we don’t live in any of the other 48 states whose drivers are more impolite.” Yep, you read that correctly. A June, 2017 survey conducted by Kars4Kids ranked New Mexico as the second-most polite state in which to drive. At this point you’re probably…

Closed in 2017Gone But Not ForgottenMexicanNew MexicoRio Rancho

El Maguey – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

On a 2010 episode of The Travel Channel’s No Reservations series, host Anthony Bourdain described pulque as “the sap of the maguey cactus” as well as “man juice” and “Mexican Viagra.” That may explain why so many aspiring middle-aged brewers across the fruited plain rushed to their local nurseries in search of the maguey plant. Although maguey may be plentiful even in the Land of Enchantment, extracting pulque is a laborious process involving four distinct steps, the first of which is called castration. The name of this step may also explain why so many middle-aged men quickly lost their enthusiasm for cultivating maguey. In parts of Mexico where the maguey is harvested, native Zapotec, Mixtec and Mixe producers actually ask the plant for permission to harvest it. With the utmost respect, they tell the maguey that its use will primarily be for celebratory rituals and not solely for the sake of profit. Soon after the dawning of 2017, Rio Rancho saw the launch of El Maguey, a Mexican restaurant named for the plant held in such high esteem throughout Mexico. At El Maguey, horchata may be the closest thing to the alcoholic beverage made from the sap of the maguey…

ChineseClosed in 2018Gone But Not ForgottenRio Rancho

Tao Chinese Bistro – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno8:23 PM

It’s highly unlikely ancient Chinese philosophers ever intended the concept of Tao to be used as an approach for the serial seduction of women, but that was the premise of the 2000 movie The Tao of Steve. Filmed in the Santa Fe area, this campy romantic comedy centered around a corpulent, underachieving former philosophy student who christened his approach after the somewhat stolid “cool” epitomized by three Steves: Steve McQueen, Steve McGarrett from Hawaii Five-O and Steve Austin from The Six Million Dollar Man. The Tao of Steve–which proves a very successful approach for sexual conquests–is comprised of three rules: ((1) Be desire-less. If your body language indicates a lack of interest, a woman’s attraction to you will increase. (2) Be excellent. Grasp the opportunity to showcase your talents, thereby proving your sexual “worthiness.” (3) Be gone. Leave women wanting more by not overstaying your welcome. For years, the concept of Tao has been and is being demonstrated in ever more creative and unique ways. There was the Tao of Pooh, an introduction to Taoism using the beloved fictional character of Winnie the Pooh. The Tao of Bow Wow taught pet owners how to better communicate with and relate to…

BurgersClosed in 2018Gone But Not ForgottenNew MexicoRating: ExcellentRio Rancho

Toro Burger – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno5:36 PM

While watching a “sanitized for television” version of the audacious satirical comedy Blazing Saddles, my precocious six-year-old niece asked several questions with deep sociological implications: “Why is everyone in the town of Rock Ridge named Johnson? Why were all the town’s citizens white?” From her silence, you’d think my Kim was a “perp lawyering up” at a police inquiry. Rather than responding herself, she enjoyed seeing my brother and I hem and haw in trying to give accurate and age-appropriate answers. Far easier to answer were Blazing Saddles questions which inspired nostalgic reflection: “Is there a Howard Johnson’s Ice Cream Parlor in Albuquerque? Does Howard Johnson’s really serve only one flavor?” For those of us who grew up in the dark ages, Howard Johnson’s restaurants were almost as ubiquitous as McDonald’s are today. During its halcyon days (peaking in 1975), more than 1,000 “Ho Jo’s” restaurants and motor lodges dotted the American landscape, their distinctive orange roofs a familiar beacon for hungry sojourners. Among the restaurants’ culinary draws were its 28 flavors of butterfat-enhanced ice cream and fried clam strips, an exotic offering theretofore available only in New England. The Marriott Corporation’s 1982 acquisition of all Howard Johnson’s properties signaled…

Closed in 2016Gone But Not ForgottenMariscosMexicanNew MexicoRio Rancho

Mariscos Mazatlan – Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Gil Garduno5:39 PM

A rotund, ripening, red tomato is featured prominently on license plates issued in the Mexican state of Sinaloa. This is indicative of the state’s prominence in growing the “love apples” from which its rich salsas are made. In 2013, Sinaloa exported nearly one-billion tons of vegetables–primarily tomatoes–across the fruited plain, netting (mostly industrial) farmers nearly one-billion dollars. More than half the tomatoes consumed across the United States during the winter season are, in fact, grown in Sinaloa. While Sinaloan tomatoes are indeed sweet, juicy, meaty and delicious, an argument could easily be made that a more worthy subject for the state’s license plates would be mariscos, the bounty of the sea extricated from the azure waters of the Bay of Cortez. With nearly four hundred miles of spectacular, varied and fecund coastland, Sinaloa is brimming with some of the finest, most delectable seafood available anywhere on Planet Earth. Waters teeming with an assortment of delicacies from the sea are especially bountiful during winter months when pescados y mariscos (fish and shellfish) are at their at their peak of freshness. The variety of seafood options can boggle the mind, especially in the restaurants of Mazatlán, the most popular beach town destination…

Bar & GrillClosed in 2018Gone But Not ForgottenRio Rancho

Fat Squirrel Pub & Grill – Rio Rancho, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:32 PM

The quaint names given to English pubs are sometimes nearly as interesting as the reasons for which those names were bestowed. Take for example what is arguably England’s oldest pub, the Trip to Jerusalem. Built into the rock face under Nottingham Castle, the brewhouse has been offering sustenance and sanctuary to weary sojourners since before 1189. The genesis of its name comes from the fact that the inn served as a travel lodge in which crusaders relaxed–no doubt with a pint or eight–before heading off to battle the Saracens in the Holy Land. Thee Fat Squirrel Pub & Grill in Rio Rancho, which launched in 2008, explains the genesis of its name this way: “The name Fat Squirrel comes from the old Turtle Mountain days. One of the brewers discovered that a squirrel had been stealing the grain from the alley and by the dumpster after brews were done. Gorging on the spent grain, the squirrel quickly became so fat that she had a hard time running around the parking lot and had taken to lying on her belly in the shade under cars. After the first winter she returned with her babies for the free and easy meals. In…