Month: July 2022

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Canvas Artistry – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

“Edible art” isn’t just some trite phrase pedantic food critics use when food has aesthetic values that delight our senses. Mankind has been been intrigued by the concept of food as art since the dawning of rational thinking. Prehistoric cave paintings such as those in Les Trois Frères in Ariège, in southern France, depict families gathering around the fire to share the foods they had prepared, an event made possible by the discovery of fire. Fire, it goes without saying, was also the catalyst behind men first wearing aprons emblazoned with “kiss the cook.” Moving past prehistoric taggers scrawling graffiti on cave walls, edible art became more urban when Egyptians painted food on the walls of the great pyramids (ostensibly…

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Vinaigrette – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

“People aren’t either wicked or noble.  They’re like chef salads With good things and bad things chopped and mixed together In a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” ~ Lemony Snicket, The Grim Grotto I’m not the type of guy who could write a tearful tell-all or confess some scurrilous detail to Oprah.  Nor do I ever get on Facebook and publish a litany of mundane minutia about my life.  However, in the spirit of “confession is good for the soul,” I’ve got a secret to divulge.  I’ve got a huge crush on Erin Wade.  It’s not the type of crush for which I’d leave my Kim, but the type of crush a geeky, gangling high school kid might have on…

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Laguna Burger (12th Street) – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

“The best stories are like the best burgers: big, juicy, and messy.” ~A.D. Posey, American Author For men of my generation, a Big Mac was a rite of passage, a graduation from Happy Meal cheeseburgers to a real adult burger…an event akin to transitioning from training wheels to a ten speed bike.  We had grown up singing the jingle “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” and finally got to experience one for ourselves.   I had assumed all parents would, when their sons had proven worthy, introduce them to the Big Mac.  You can imagine my surprise upon reading a 2016 Wall Street Journal report that only one in five adults between…

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The Acre – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

Toula: Actually, um Ian’s a vegetarian. Uh, he doesn’t eat meat. Aunt Voula: He don’t eat no meat? HE DON’T EAT NO MEAT?! *Long silence* Oh that’s ok, I make lamb. ~Big Fat Greek Wedding A cross-sectional study conducted in 2006 by medical researchers in Austria concluded that “vegetarians are less healthy and have a lower quality of life than meat-eaters” and that “there is an association between a vegetarian diet and an increased risk of certain chronic diseases.” The “chronic diseases” cited in the study were allergies, cancer and mental illness. While this study and its methodologies have largely been discredited, my former colleague Matt Mauler, a fanatical meat-and-potatoes paramour, likes to cite this study when someone “preaches” the…

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El Cotorro – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

There’s a scene in the 2006 lucha libre (Mexican professional wrestling) comedy film Nacho Libre in which Nacho’s ectomorphic tag team partner Esqueleto (“the skeleton”) orders two grilled, buttered and chile-dusted elotes (corn-on-the-cob) from a street vendor. Esqueleto graciously attempts to hand one to Nacho who rebuffs the offer, knocks the elotes to the ground and bellows “get that corn out of my face!” That antagonistic act so enraged Esqueleto that he leaped on Nacho’s back and attempted to throw his corpulent partner to the ground. The sight of the two golden elotes tinged with red chile on the ground was funny at the time, however, after consuming the elotes at El Cotorro, we would consider knocking elotes to the…

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K&I Diner – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

In 1960, Albuquerque’s population reached 201,189, more than doubling the city’s tally from the 1950 census. The start of a new decade began an era of expansion, a construction boom in which the burgeoning city began experiencing unprecedented growth. A proliferation of shopping centers was built to serve new neighborhoods. Albuquerque was not yet overrun by horrendous, copycat chain restaurants.  Family owned and operated mom-and-pop dining establishments–like the K&I Diner–were (and still are) your best bet for a great meal. 1960 (March 2nd to be exact) was also the year in which Irene Warner opened Grandma’s K&I Diner (named for her daughter Kay Hess and herself) in the heart of Albuquerque’s industrial district in the far South Valley. She ran…

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Ale’s Cakes – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno

Hypocrisy thy name is Gil. “For someone who whined so much about a one-hour (each way) commute to work, you’re willing to drive a hundred miles for lunch” my Kim lamented.  Our lunch destination wasn’t nearly a hundred miles away, but when you’re hungry it probably seems that way.  It would have seemed even further had we traversed the entirety of the street in which our intended restaurant is located. In fact, from its starting point to its terminus, that drive would truly have seemed interminable through all its winding and congested permutations. The street of which I speak is Albuquerque’s own Coors Blvd, otherwise known as New Mexico State Road 45.  According to Wikipedia, Coors Blvd is 22,918-miles long…er,…

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Relish Gourmet Sandwiches – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Jobs, Eddie Murphy, Jessie Jackson, entire NBA rosters.  Often missing from scandal sheets outing male celebrities who have fathered love children is the name of one Dagwood Bumstead.  From all outward appearances, Bumstead is an average white collar employee and loving family man with a penchant for taking naps, luxuriating in a bubble bath and constructing and consuming tall, multi-layered, poly-ingredient sandwiches of gravity defying height topped with an olive on a toothpick.  Appearances can be deceiving.  You’re reading it here first.  Dagwood Bumstead’s illegitimate son is (brace yourself) Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, a lanky would-be hipster who always seems to have the munchies.  Shaggy is a nimble contortionist with a penchant for hiding (cowering) in impossibly small…

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Fun Noodle Bar – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

By definition, many, if not most noodles are fun.  No, not fun as in luxuriating in a tub filled with ramen (albeit non-edible, synthetic noodles) with real tonkatsu (pork bone) broth.  Yeah, that really is a thing in Japan.  Nor does my contention that noodles are fun have anything to do with the Simpsons episode in which Bart was threatened with “forty whacks with a wet noodle.”  It doesn’t even have anything to do with the Beach Boys classic “Fun, Fun, Fun” song.  It especially has nothing to do with those buoyant polyethylene foam “noodle” tubes people bring to swimming pools. In a classic example of Gil style “swerve,”  Fun refers to Chinese noodles made from rice flour or some…

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Sal’s Ristorante & Pizzeria – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno

“Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.” ~Sophia Loren The ageless movie siren, perhaps the most voluptuous octogenarian in the world, is hardly a proponent of low carb diets, admitting to daily dosages of macaroni. She maintains her classic hourglass figure by limiting portions–never consuming too many calories in one meal–and by not overloading pasta with rich, thick cream or cheese sauces. Though La Dolce Sophia once told a Sunday morning CBS program that she cannot diet, she actually does adhere to a strict Mediterranean diet which advocates a lot of vegetables, olive oil, pasta and red wine. That Sophia Loren maintains a figure women half her age envy is a credit to her discipline.  For many of us, Italian…