Category: Albuquerque

AlbuquerqueBurgersDog FriendlyNew MexicoNew Mexico Green Chile Cheeseburger Trail: 2009New Mexico Green Chile Cheeseburger Trail: 2011Rating: Very Good

Laguna Burger (12th Street) – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno5:10 PM

“The best stories are like the best burgers: big, juicy, and messy.” ~A.D. Posey, American Author For men of my generation, a Big Mac was a rite of passage, a graduation from Happy Meal cheeseburgers to a real adult burger…an event akin to transitioning from training wheels to a ten speed bike.  We had grown up singing the jingle “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” and finally got to experience one for ourselves.   I had assumed all parents would, when their sons had proven worthy, introduce them to the Big Mac.  You can imagine my surprise upon reading a 2016 Wall Street Journal report that only one in five adults between the ages of 18 and 34 has ever even tasted McDonald’s signature burger. That’s right!   Eighty percent of all millennials have never experienced a Big Mac!  Even more surprising, many of my generation–those of us who grew up on Big Macs– haven’t had one in decades (and I had thought it was only me). Millennials not only make better, more healthy food choices than youth of my generation, they’ve had the advantage of more and better alternatives.  Obviously they’re much…

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The Acre – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno9:38 PM

Toula: Actually, um Ian’s a vegetarian. Uh, he doesn’t eat meat. Aunt Voula: He don’t eat no meat? HE DON’T EAT NO MEAT?! *Long silence* Oh that’s ok, I make lamb. ~Big Fat Greek Wedding A cross-sectional study conducted in 2006 by medical researchers in Austria concluded that “vegetarians are less healthy and have a lower quality of life than meat-eaters” and that “there is an association between a vegetarian diet and an increased risk of certain chronic diseases.” The “chronic diseases” cited in the study were allergies, cancer and mental illness. While this study and its methodologies have largely been discredited, my former colleague Matt Mauler, a fanatical meat-and-potatoes paramour, likes to cite this study when someone “preaches” the virtues of vegetarianism. He especially revels in emphasizing the part about mental illness. “You’ve got to be crazy not to love cheeseburgers, steak and pork chops,” he snorts with derision. The only vegetables Matt likes are those with which he tops his favorite comfort foods: pizza (lots of mushrooms and black olives followed by a six-pack chaser), burgers (only lettuce unless you consider bacon and cheese vegetables) and Chicago hot dogs (enough sport peppers to choke a dragon). Every other…

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El Cotorro – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

There’s a scene in the 2006 lucha libre (Mexican professional wrestling) comedy film Nacho Libre in which Nacho’s ectomorphic tag team partner Esqueleto (“the skeleton”) orders two grilled, buttered and chile-dusted elotes (corn-on-the-cob) from a street vendor. Esqueleto graciously attempts to hand one to Nacho who rebuffs the offer, knocks the elotes to the ground and bellows “get that corn out of my face!” That antagonistic act so enraged Esqueleto that he leaped on Nacho’s back and attempted to throw his corpulent partner to the ground. The sight of the two golden elotes tinged with red chile on the ground was funny at the time, however, after consuming the elotes at El Cotorro, we would consider knocking elotes to the ground an act of sacrilege and sheer madness. It’s no wonder Esqueleto was so upset. Sure we’ve had elotes elsewhere…plenty of elotes at a plethora of elsewheres, in fact, but only at El Cotorro have elotes made us swoon in appreciation. El Cotorro, which translates to “the parrot” in English is not what you might expect from a Mexican restaurant of that name. It’s not a restaurant named for the stereotypical squawking “Polly wants a cracker” parrot mascot some kitschy…

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K&I Diner – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno1:30 AM

In 1960, Albuquerque’s population reached 201,189, more than doubling the city’s tally from the 1950 census. The start of a new decade began an era of expansion, a construction boom in which the burgeoning city began experiencing unprecedented growth. A proliferation of shopping centers was built to serve new neighborhoods. Albuquerque was not yet overrun by horrendous, copycat chain restaurants.  Family owned and operated mom-and-pop dining establishments–like the K&I Diner–were (and still are) your best bet for a great meal. 1960 (March 2nd to be exact) was also the year in which Irene Warner opened Grandma’s K&I Diner (named for her daughter Kay Hess and herself) in the heart of Albuquerque’s industrial district in the far South Valley. She ran the eatery with her family for 39 years until her death at age 82 in 1999. The matronly Irene was a fixture at her restaurant, a kind and gentle woman who made everyone welcome at her restaurant home. With a pronounced Southern drawl, she and her family kept things lively, often addressing their faithful patrons by “honey” or “sugar.”  Kay passed away in 2018. The restaurant has undergone several ownership changes since Grandma Warner passed away, but other than some…

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Ale’s Cakes – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

Hypocrisy thy name is Gil. “For someone who whined so much about a one-hour (each way) commute to work, you’re willing to drive a hundred miles for lunch” my Kim lamented.  Our lunch destination wasn’t nearly a hundred miles away, but when you’re hungry it probably seems that way.  It would have seemed even further had we traversed the entirety of the street in which our intended restaurant is located. In fact, from its starting point to its terminus, that drive would truly have seemed interminable through all its winding and congested permutations. The street of which I speak is Albuquerque’s own Coors Blvd, otherwise known as New Mexico State Road 45.  According to Wikipedia, Coors Blvd is 22,918-miles long…er, make that 22.9-miles long though it does seem painfully longer than that (especially when you’re hungry).  Coors meanders parallel to the Rio Grande from the Southern boundary of Rio Rancho through Albuquerque and onto Isleta Pueblo.  It takes significantly longer to drive this route than it took the Mexican conquistadores to walk the Camino Real. Thank goodness for I-25 and Rio Bravo Blvd which shortened the length of our drive.  As we wended our way south on Coors, my Kim…

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Relish Gourmet Sandwiches – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno2:34 AM

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Jobs, Eddie Murphy, Jessie Jackson, entire NBA rosters.  Often missing from scandal sheets outing male celebrities who have fathered love children is the name of one Dagwood Bumstead.  From all outward appearances, Bumstead is an average white collar employee and loving family man with a penchant for taking naps, luxuriating in a bubble bath and constructing and consuming tall, multi-layered, poly-ingredient sandwiches of gravity defying height topped with an olive on a toothpick.  Appearances can be deceiving.  You’re reading it here first.  Dagwood Bumstead’s illegitimate son is (brace yourself) Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, a lanky would-be hipster who always seems to have the munchies.  Shaggy is a nimble contortionist with a penchant for hiding (cowering) in impossibly small places and for consuming impossibly large (Dagwood-esque) sandwiches in a single bite.  When sandwiches aren’t available, Shaggy will often tussle with his dog Scooby-Doo for pet snacks. DNA evidence hasn’t confirmed Shaggy’s paternity, but telltale (albeit circumstantial) signs seem incontrovertible.  The most telling sign is, of course, their mutual love of food. Dagwood married a woman named  Blondie, a name she shares with one of his favorite desserts (the non-chocolate brownie).  He and Blondie even named one of their children…

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Fun Noodle Bar – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno6:05 PM

By definition, many, if not most noodles are fun.  No, not fun as in luxuriating in a tub filled with ramen (albeit non-edible, synthetic noodles) with real tonkatsu (pork bone) broth.  Yeah, that really is a thing in Japan.  Nor does my contention that noodles are fun have anything to do with the Simpsons episode in which Bart was threatened with “forty whacks with a wet noodle.”  It doesn’t even have anything to do with the Beach Boys classic “Fun, Fun, Fun” song.  It especially has nothing to do with those buoyant polyethylene foam “noodle” tubes people bring to swimming pools. In a classic example of Gil style “swerve,”  Fun refers to Chinese noodles made from rice flour or some other kind of starch (as opposed to mein, which are noodles made from wheat).  So, when you order “chow fun” at a Chinese restaurant, what you’re really ordering is stir-fried rice noodles usually served with vegetables or meat.  And when you order “chow mein,” it’s crispy, fried wheat noodles that’ll be ferried over to your table.  So, as you see, many noodles are, by very definition, fun noodles. Not that noodles can’t be fun or entertaining.  During our inaugural visit…

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Taqueria Los Amigos – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

“On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air” ~Hotel California, The Eagles in 1977, when the Eagles’ immortal rock anthem Hotel California was released as a single, most radio hits clocked in at about three minutes.  Three minutes is just about as long as Hotel California’s hauntingly compelling intro and the legendary guitar-duet-slash-duel-slash-musical-conversation between Don Felder’s double-necked Gibson EDS-1275 and Joe Walsh’s Fender Telecaster. The high voltage, era-defining song with its intensely intricate instrumental work, soaring harmonies and enthralling lyrics make Hotel California an iconic indictment of the dark underbelly of the American dream and its excesses. Hotel California’s allegorical, introspective lyrics alone make it one of the most widely speculated songs in rock history.  Studies of those lyrics have resulted in numerous interpretations of the song.  Among the most widely contemplated lyrics surround the song’s first stanza: “warm smell of colitas rising up the air.”  At least three vastly different definitions of colitas exist.  Among the most common misinterpretations is one replete with sexual innuendo–specifically that colitas is sexual slang meaning “little tails.”  In Mexican slang, colitas also refers to cannabis. In numerous interviews, Don Felder has clarified…

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Thai Street – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

By chronological standards, Thai cuisine–especially as we know it today–is relatively new to the world culinary stage.  Culinary historians believe Thai cuisine may be as young as 1,400 years, coinciding with a mass migration of people from regions of China.  These settlers dined mostly on seafood, herbs and plants prepared mostly by stewing, baking and grilling (over time, stir-frying and deep-frying also became popular).  Large domestic animals such as water buffalo and oxen were too valuable to slaughter for food.  As such, meat was used very sparingly though considering the settlers’ propensity for seasoning, a small amount of meat went a long way.   While Chinese–particularly Szechuan–dietary practices were the most significant early influences, the introduction of other ingredients and culinary techniques began to define the Thai food with which we are familiar today. Foremost were curries from the exotic subcontinent of India which people infused with coconut.  After the European discovery of the American continents, Portuguese mariners brought chili spices to the region.  These were the forerunner of the incendiary dishes which give Thai cuisine their popularity and explosions of flavor.  Understandably, regional preferences were developed with five or so distinct regional styles of cooking defined.  Variations resultant from…

AlbuquerqueBreakfastDog FriendlyNew MexicanNew MexicoRating: N/R (Not Rated)

ABQ Burrito – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

Perhaps the only good thing that came from the Cabrona Virus was that many of us get to work from home.  Otherwise, the cost of commuting to work in this “build back better” economy would probably approach our meager wages.  Though not commuting to work spares us from cashing in our 4.1Ks in order to purchase fuel for our gas guzzlers, there are still times when we have to drive somewhere.  Like when we have to visit Albertson’s or Smith’s to scour the half-empty shelves for luxury items such as baby formula.   With “Putin’s inflation” making gas virtually unaffordable, budget-conscious consumers are desperate for alternatives to the land yachts we drive.  We’re walking to the mailbox instead of backing the car out of the garage to drive to the mailbox a quarter-mile away.  We don’t visit our in-laws quite as often (some of us might see this as a bonus unless it results in extended visits from the mother-in-law).  We’ve curtailed driving four miles through a parking lot in search of a spot ten feet closer to the store.  It’s been rough! So rough, in fact, that even the most dedicated sofa spuds among us have started to explore…

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TIKKA HUT PIZZERIA AND KABOB HOUSE – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

“I’ll give you three guesses to tell me what tabula rasa means,” I challenged my friend and Wordle phenom Carlos.  “That’s easy,” my erudite amigo proclaimed, “Tabula Rasa was a silent screen actress in the 1920s.”  “Close,” I replied, “but you’re thinking about Tallulah Bankhead.”  “I was just kidding,” he demurred, “Everyone knows tabula rasa is a Mediterranean salad.”  “You’re getting closer,” I joked, “but the Mediterranean salad you’re thinking about is tabouli.”  On his third attempt, Carlos gave me the right answer: “I’m drawing a blank.” Tabula rasa, in fact, translates from Latin to “blank slate.” In psychology as well as in epistemology (theory of knowledge), tabula rasa refers to the idea that we are solely the product of our upbringing and experiences.  In psychology, it also refers to  the technique therapists use when they themselves become “blank,” and allow the recipient to project their own needs, desires, and beliefs onto them. For those of us who follow culinary trends, the term has a third definition, one coined by CBC writer Andrew Coppolino who wrote: “Unless you are a rigid food traditionalist and a dedicated adherent to the dogmatic philosophy that pizza can only be called pizza if it…