AlbuquerqueNew MexicoRating: Very GoodSandwich

Relish Gourmet Sandwiches – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno2:34 AM

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Jobs, Eddie Murphy, Jessie Jackson, entire NBA rosters.  Often missing from scandal sheets outing male celebrities who have fathered love children is the name of one Dagwood Bumstead.  From all outward appearances, Bumstead is an average white collar employee and loving family man with a penchant for taking naps, luxuriating in a bubble bath and constructing and consuming tall, multi-layered, poly-ingredient sandwiches of gravity defying height topped with an olive on a toothpick.  Appearances can be deceiving.  You’re reading it here first.  Dagwood Bumstead’s illegitimate son is (brace yourself) Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, a lanky would-be hipster who always seems to have the munchies.  Shaggy is a nimble contortionist with a penchant for hiding (cowering) in impossibly small places and for consuming impossibly large (Dagwood-esque) sandwiches in a single bite.  When sandwiches aren’t available, Shaggy will often tussle with his dog Scooby-Doo for pet snacks. DNA evidence hasn’t confirmed Shaggy’s paternity, but telltale (albeit circumstantial) signs seem incontrovertible.  The most telling sign is, of course, their mutual love of food. Dagwood married a woman named  Blondie, a name she shares with one of his favorite desserts (the non-chocolate brownie).  He and Blondie even named one of their children…

AlbuquerqueAsianNew MexicoRamenRating: Good

Fun Noodle Bar – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno6:05 PM

By definition, many, if not most noodles are fun.  No, not fun as in luxuriating in a tub filled with ramen (albeit non-edible, synthetic noodles) with real tonkatsu (pork bone) broth.  Yeah, that really is a thing in Japan.  Nor does my contention that noodles are fun have anything to do with the Simpsons episode in which Bart was threatened with “forty whacks with a wet noodle.”  It doesn’t even have anything to do with the Beach Boys classic “Fun, Fun, Fun” song.  It especially has nothing to do with those buoyant polyethylene foam “noodle” tubes people bring to swimming pools. In a classic example of Gil style “swerve,”  Fun refers to Chinese noodles made from rice flour or some other kind of starch (as opposed to mein, which are noodles made from wheat).  So, when you order “chow fun” at a Chinese restaurant, what you’re really ordering is stir-fried rice noodles usually served with vegetables or meat.  And when you order “chow mein,” it’s crispy, fried wheat noodles that’ll be ferried over to your table.  So, as you see, many noodles are, by very definition, fun noodles. Not that noodles can’t be fun or entertaining.  During our inaugural visit…

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Taqueria Los Amigos – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

“On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air” ~Hotel California, The Eagles in 1977, when the Eagles’ immortal rock anthem Hotel California was released as a single, most radio hits clocked in at about three minutes.  Three minutes is just about as long as Hotel California’s hauntingly compelling intro and the legendary guitar-duet-slash-duel-slash-musical-conversation between Don Felder’s double-necked Gibson EDS-1275 and Joe Walsh’s Fender Telecaster. The high voltage, era-defining song with its intensely intricate instrumental work, soaring harmonies and enthralling lyrics make Hotel California an iconic indictment of the dark underbelly of the American dream and its excesses. Hotel California’s allegorical, introspective lyrics alone make it one of the most widely speculated songs in rock history.  Studies of those lyrics have resulted in numerous interpretations of the song.  Among the most widely contemplated lyrics surround the song’s first stanza: “warm smell of colitas rising up the air.”  At least three vastly different definitions of colitas exist.  Among the most common misinterpretations is one replete with sexual innuendo–specifically that colitas is sexual slang meaning “little tails.”  In Mexican slang, colitas also refers to cannabis. In numerous interviews, Don Felder has clarified…

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Thai Street – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

By chronological standards, Thai cuisine–especially as we know it today–is relatively new to the world culinary stage.  Culinary historians believe Thai cuisine may be as young as 1,400 years, coinciding with a mass migration of people from regions of China.  These settlers dined mostly on seafood, herbs and plants prepared mostly by stewing, baking and grilling (over time, stir-frying and deep-frying also became popular).  Large domestic animals such as water buffalo and oxen were too valuable to slaughter for food.  As such, meat was used very sparingly though considering the settlers’ propensity for seasoning, a small amount of meat went a long way.   While Chinese–particularly Szechuan–dietary practices were the most significant early influences, the introduction of other ingredients and culinary techniques began to define the Thai food with which we are familiar today. Foremost were curries from the exotic subcontinent of India which people infused with coconut.  After the European discovery of the American continents, Portuguese mariners brought chili spices to the region.  These were the forerunner of the incendiary dishes which give Thai cuisine their popularity and explosions of flavor.  Understandably, regional preferences were developed with five or so distinct regional styles of cooking defined.  Variations resultant from…

AlbuquerqueBreakfastDog FriendlyNew MexicanNew MexicoRating: N/R (Not Rated)

ABQ Burrito – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

Perhaps the only good thing that came from the Cabrona Virus was that many of us get to work from home.  Otherwise, the cost of commuting to work in this “build back better” economy would probably approach our meager wages.  Though not commuting to work spares us from cashing in our 4.1Ks in order to purchase fuel for our gas guzzlers, there are still times when we have to drive somewhere.  Like when we have to visit Albertson’s or Smith’s to scour the half-empty shelves for luxury items such as baby formula.   With “Putin’s inflation” making gas virtually unaffordable, budget-conscious consumers are desperate for alternatives to the land yachts we drive.  We’re walking to the mailbox instead of backing the car out of the garage to drive to the mailbox a quarter-mile away.  We don’t visit our in-laws quite as often (some of us might see this as a bonus unless it results in extended visits from the mother-in-law).  We’ve curtailed driving four miles through a parking lot in search of a spot ten feet closer to the store.  It’s been rough! So rough, in fact, that even the most dedicated sofa spuds among us have started to explore…

AmericanBakeryBernalilloBreakfastDog FriendlyNew MexicanNew MexicoRating: Very Good

The Range – Bernalillo, New Mexico

Gil Garduno2:43 AM

The phoenix of ancient Egyptian mythology was a sacred firebird of beautiful red and gold plumage said to live for centuries. At the end of its life, the phoenix built itself a nest of cinnamon twigs which it then ignited. Both the phoenix and the nest burned fiercely and were reduced to ashes from which a new phoenix arose. Similarly, the Range Cafe in Bernalillo was claimed by a fiery conflagration only to rise up from the ashes to exceed its former glory to become one of the most popular restaurants in New Mexico. Like the phoenix, the Range is a rare breed–one of the few locally owned and operated (non-chain) restaurants which at any given time (make that, almost all the time) has diners lining up for a seat. That may be because the Range offers the “familiar” in serving comfort foods and local favorites and serves them in the profuse portion sizes American diners love. The original Range debuted in September, 1992 in Bernalillo’s main street, Camino Del Pueblo. The restaurant was an instant success, quickly becoming more than a local favorite. Not quite three years later (on May 30, 1995), the Range went up in smoke–a huge…

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TIKKA HUT PIZZERIA AND KABOB HOUSE – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

“I’ll give you three guesses to tell me what tabula rasa means,” I challenged my friend and Wordle phenom Carlos.  “That’s easy,” my erudite amigo proclaimed, “Tabula Rasa was a silent screen actress in the 1920s.”  “Close,” I replied, “but you’re thinking about Tallulah Bankhead.”  “I was just kidding,” he demurred, “Everyone knows tabula rasa is a Mediterranean salad.”  “You’re getting closer,” I joked, “but the Mediterranean salad you’re thinking about is tabouli.”  On his third attempt, Carlos gave me the right answer: “I’m drawing a blank.” Tabula rasa, in fact, translates from Latin to “blank slate.” In psychology as well as in epistemology (theory of knowledge), tabula rasa refers to the idea that we are solely the product of our upbringing and experiences.  In psychology, it also refers to  the technique therapists use when they themselves become “blank,” and allow the recipient to project their own needs, desires, and beliefs onto them. For those of us who follow culinary trends, the term has a third definition, one coined by CBC writer Andrew Coppolino who wrote: “Unless you are a rigid food traditionalist and a dedicated adherent to the dogmatic philosophy that pizza can only be called pizza if it…

AlbuquerqueChickenFood TruckNew MexicoRating: Excellent

Wing It Up – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern has nothing on my friend Ralph Guariglio. Zimmern who claims to love such “exotic cuisine” as fermented walrus anus probably wouldn’t touch some of the…er, interesting foods Ralph enjoyed during his travels for Intel.  That’s especially true when Ralph traveled  to Vietnam and The Philippines, all the while chronicling his adventures in “Captain Ralphie’s Travelogue.”  Though most of us envied his peregrinations, few of us would have had the gastronomical fortitude to try such “delicacies” as beating cobra heart and live lobster (yes, still alive…and thrashing). Much as Ralph loves adventurous dining, his passion and favorite food group is chicken wings.  Ralph can eat chicken wings for breakfast, lunch and dinner with chicken wing snacks in between.  Never mind that chicken wings have a disproportionate “effort-to-meat” ratio, he happily gnaws on those tiny avian bones to extricate every meaty morsel, a look of blissful contentment on his face.  Ralph is the type of guy who would bob for chicken wings in a deep fryer.   When he married his beautiful bride Linda, I thought for sure the wedding cake would be studded with layers of chicken wings and the cake would be “frosted” with Buffalo…

AlbuquerqueDog FriendlyItalianNew MexicoRating: N/R (Not Rated)

Taste of Love – Albuquerque, New Mexico

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

NOTE: Taste of Love is no longer at the 505 Central Food Hall.  Follow them on their Facebook page. Ask virtually every chef and home cook what the secret ingredient to good cooking is and invariably their answer will be “love.”  Or in the case of Jersey Shore actor Michael Sorrentino, “The secret ingredient to every meal is love. And also garlic.”  Be forewarned, however, divulging “love” as the secret ingredient to good cooking might just get you in hot water with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).   In 2017 the FDA reprimanded a bakery in Concord, Massachusetts for including the term “love” in its ingredient list for granola.  The over-reaching, humorless federal agency’s warning letter admonished: “Your Nashoba Granola label lists ingredient ‘Love.’ Ingredients required to be declared on the label or labeling of food must be listed by their common or usual name. ‘Love’ is not a common or usual name of an ingredient, and is considered to be intervening material because it is not part of the common or usual name of the ingredient.” It’s a good thing the FDA isn’t responsible for determining if movies contain profane, indecent or obscene content.  Otherwise, a 2017 movie titled…

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El Roi Cafe – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:01 AM

You know you’ve been involved in project management for too long when the only thing that comes to mind when told about a restaurant named “El Roi” is “why would a restaurant be named for a Return on Investment (ROI).”  For those of us who have worked in Information Technology, ROI is a financial ratio used to calculate the benefit an investor will receive in relation to their investment cost.  Restaurants often have a poor return of investment–not just in financial capital, but in human capital.  Restaurants require a significant investment in time by owners as well as kitchen and “front of the house” staffs and the financial return isn’t exactly lucrative.  My Kim theorized that Roi is probably a preferred derivation of Roy.  “By poor spellers,” I chortled.  It turns out my brainy bride was correct…well, almost.  According to Namedat, a website which takes social security administration data and converts it to facts and stats about names of people in the United States, there are actually 8,706 humans in the country with the first name Roi.  Naturally one of the very first questions we asked when we finally made it to El Roi is just what does the name…

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Tarasco (Formerly The Whole Enchilada) – Albuquerque, New Mexico (CLOSED)

Gil Garduno12:46 PM

Perhaps because I was away from the Land of Enchantment for much of my Air Force career, one of my favorite bloggers has long been Lisa Fain, the James Beard award-winning “Homesick Texan.”   Like me, Lisa longed for home during the two decades she lived in New York City.  Like me, Lisa returned to her home state, the call of family, friends, bluebonnets, and Tex-Mex luring her back.  Also like me, Lisa is fiercely proud of the cuisine of the state she calls home.  Much of the enjoyment I derive in reading about her favorite foods is in noting the (sometimes vast) differences in foods just across the border.  Take for example cheese enchiladas which she calls “the essence of Tex-Mex.” \She describes them as “a plate of rolled corn tortillas stuffed with orange, oozing cheese, floating in puddles of brown-chili gravy. Yes, that kind of cheese enchilada. The Tex-Mex kind.”  What makes Tex-Mex cheese enchiladas so special to her is the chili gravy which Lisa describes as “a mash-up between flour-based gravy and Mexican chile sauce. It’s a smooth and silky substance, redolent with earthy cumin, smoky chiles and pungent garlic. It’s not fiery, as it was originally…